Lost
by Rosesdancinginmymind
Summary: SQ. Not a happy story. Warning for character death.


_The sun hits perfectly to illuminate her face in such a way that she appears to you like an angel as she struts across the grass in her typical red jacket. The smile when she sees you lights her face up in a similar fashion and makes you feel warm, safe, loved. She joins you on the picnic blanket that you set up earlier, red and white gingham check, and kisses you, brushing a hair away from your face as she does._

"_Hey"_

"_Hello to you too Miss Swan"_

"_Back to Miss Swan am I?"_

"_Yes, you're late" you say putting on a scowl but you honestly don't care, as long as she's here you're happy._

"_Don't put on the angry bear face with me Gina, I know when you're lying remember?"_

_You replace your fake scowl with a genuine smile._

"_Much better"_

"_Glad you approve dear"_

"_Always" she looks down, her hair cascading down her face, she seems nervous which worries you._

"_Em, you OK?" you start to fidget with your hands, a nervous habit you've picked up when you fear bad news is coming. She notices and grabs your hands._

"_I'm fine, just a little nervous, I have something I wanted to ask you but I have no idea how to start or what you're going to say"_

_You can feel the butterflies building in your stomach, "Hm have you considered just asking?"_

_She chuckles at you, "Okay", she takes a deep breath and looks at you, "Regina Mills, I love you with all of my heart, I have no idea how to tell you how much, all I know is that I want to spend every morning waking up with you in my arms, I want to spend every Friday watching movies with you and the kid while we eat popcorn, I want to be with you every moment I can because babe, every moment that I'm not with you basically just sucks, I love everything about you, I know your past and your present and I want to be your future, Regina will you marry me?"_

_By this point tears are streaming down both your faces, you fling yourself at her, kiss her with as much passion as you can, tilt her face to look at you, "Yes"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Yes. 1000 times yes! I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life as your wife"_

_She grabs your hand and raises the both of you up to stand. She slides the ring onto your finger, it's gorgeous, a white gold band with an engraving of an apple and a swan, it's simple but it fits the pair of you so well. You kiss her again._

"_Let's go find our families" you say._

"_Now?"_

"_Yes, I can't wait to tell them, I want everyone to know this"_

_She sweeps you into her arms and twirls the pair of you before grabbing your hand and pulling you into a run towards the car._

"_What about the picnic stuff?"_

"_I thought you couldn't wait?"_

_You run to the car hand in hand giggling in the sunlight and get in her beat up old beetle eager to find your parents and son so you can spread the news._

* * *

_You stand in the kitchen stirring your coffee and wait. You run your hands through your brown hair and stare out the window and wait for your daughter to appear._

"_Good morning Mother" you hear as she pads down the stairs._

"_Good morning sweetheart, how are you? Did you sleep well?"_

"_Yes mother" she turns to the cupboards hunting for breakfast cereal._

"_Regina, how was yesterday?" you ask the question tentatively unsure if she will share this with you. Her face lights up with a beautiful smile, the one she saves for Henry and Emma as she begins,_

"_It was wonderful, well it started badly, I met Emma at the bench by the docks to talk about Henry and when I could see him. We actually had a really good conversation about it mother, no bickering."_

"_That's brilliant sweetheart"_

"_That's not all" she's looking down at her feet and rocking on her heels, she's hesitant, but you walk over and tilt her chin up, "You can tell me you know" _

"_Yeah?" she asks with a tiny smile._

"_Yes, you can tell me anything"_

"_Okay, well she asked me about you and we started talking but um, after a little I kind of got upset" she pauses clearly unsure._

"_Don't worry honey, continue"_

"_She hugged me and told me it was okay. Then one thing led to another and we kissed" she whispers the last part, a blush spreading across her cheeks._

_You give her a small smile as she is obviously reliving the moment. You give her shoulder a small squeeze and say "I'm glad you're happy sweetheart" she smiles and turns back to her cereal._

* * *

_A routine has begun to set in; sometimes she doesn't speak to you for days at a time except for the odd monosyllabic response and then she sees Emma and you talk again if only for a few minutes. You talk like a mother and daughter should. Sometimes you want to give up but Archie, who was surprisingly forgiving given all you did to him and wanted to help, insists that you keep trying to reach Regina, that one day her walls will break and she will talk. Until then you walk into the garden where she sits smiling and pass her a cup of coffee._

"_Good morning Regina"_

"_Morning mother" the beaming smile that lights up her face tells you that she saw Emma yesterday._

"_How are you today sweetheart?" _

"_Good" she proceeds to gush about a romantic picnic she and Emma had under the stars. You relish every word as you don't know how frequently these moments of communication will occur. As you do you notice small details about her; the way her tongue sometimes catches on her teeth while she thinks about what to say, the small scar above her lip she got when a village kitten scratched her; the way her smile lights up her entire face and seems to take the years away; the way her hair now falls sweeping across one of eyes at points, you move to brush the hair away from her face but stop yourself and instead listen to the animated speech of your daughter._

* * *

_As you're stirring the coffee there's a knock on the door. You frown. You look up at the ceiling with a worried expression. She isn't up yet. The knock happens again. You go to the door and open it._

"_Hello Rumple"_

"_Good morning Cora" _

_Your conversation is still a little stilted these days as your old feelings to him returned with your heart whilst his lie elsewhere._

"_How is she today?"_

"_Not up yet, I don't know if that's good or not"_

_He frowns, neither likes this current state with their daughter._

"_Is she speaking yet?"_

"_Only when she sees Emma" you start to cry a little. He moves forward and awkwardly hugs you knowing that this small comfort is all he can do to help. Some problems magic can't fix. You both hear footsteps and try to compose yourselves the best you can._

"_Good morning Regina"_

"_Morning sweetheart"_

_Both of your greetings go unanswered as your daughter simply drifts silently into the kitchen to start her breakfast. She doesn't see the sadness in either of her parent's eyes as they both wish she would say something._

"_I should go" Rumple says. He hesitates, "Can I come back tomorrow? I know she has an appointment today"_

"_Yes" you say knowing how desperate he is for a chance to hear Regina's voice again. "Goodbye Rumple"_

"_Goodbye", he stops briefly before calling "Goodbye Regina" only to receive nothing in return._

_You shut the door behind him and head into the kitchen and hope your daughter comes back to you soon. Her hair is unbrushed which means that today you can see the jagged scar across the right side of head, you sigh and leave her to her cereal._

* * *

_(3 months earlier)_

_You, Rumple, Snow and Charming sit in the waiting room anxious for Dr Whale to come out soon. According to Ruby who called you all in, the truck smashed straight into Emma's bug, you remember Regina complaining about that car and you hope that you get to hear her do so again. The doctor emerges wringing his hands, you register Snow and Charming crying behind you as he tells them about Emma. That she didn't make it. _

_Your daughter did. She's alive but she doesn't know. _

_Archie comes to try and talk to her but she doesn't say anything except that Emma has gone out and will be back soon. He tells you that it is a coping mechanism but all you see is that your daughter is alive, even if she is trapped in her own delusion._

_He says to go along with the memories she's living and that with time she'll realise the truth. You don't know if you want her to._

* * *

_Archie has called both you and Rumple to his offer after Regina's latest session. You know something is wrong when you see that she is crying. You look at Archie for answers as Rumple walks over to her. He pulls her hands from her face and gently asks "Gina?" _

_She looks at him and whispers "Papa, what if she doesn't love me?"_

_He tries not to cry, he's had this conversation with her before after one of her fights with Emma. She had wanted to go public, Emma resisted because of her parents. Cora looks on from the corner having also heard this story from Regina last week. Rumple gently strokes a tear from his daughter's face and takes a deep breath._

"_She loves you Regina" _

_She shakes her head. He sits next to her on the sofa and tentatively draws her in for a hug, "She loves you" he repeats she clings to him and cries for a few minutes. _

"_Are you sure Papa?"_

"_Yes, she loves you so much, she'll tell them"_

"_Yeah?" the smile she gives him is full of hope and it takes all he has not to cry, because it has been too long since he has seen that smile._

"_Yes, I promise. She loves you"_

"_Good, then she'll be back soon"_

_You put a hand over your mouth to stifle the sob that threatens to break out of your mouth at those words. Rumple looks at you over your daughter's head and he offers a sad smile, in that moment past anger disappears and you see him as the father he could always have been had you let him. You look at him and Regina and think that you should never have ripped your heart out; that you could have had a family, a happy one, and the three of you would not be stuck in this nightmare. _

_Archie sends Regina to go wait out in the hall for a few minutes. His hesitance worries you._

"_What's wrong?" you ask though you fear the answer._

"_Our current plan doesn't seem to be working" he sighs "I think she's working through the memories but has stalled herself at their fight"_

"_So what do we do?"_

"_I think we need to push her"_

_You and Rumple share a shocked look, you want her to get better but to push her might hurt her._

"_Are you sure?" Rumple asks for the both of you._

_Archie takes a breath, "If we don't she'll stay stuck like this. I think we need to try bringing up the picnic and Emma's proposal to see if we can get her to face what happened."_

"_Will that work?"_

_Again, he pauses. "It might. I can't say it is definitely going to work because I don't know. If it does then we can get her to realise the truth about Emma and finally help her heal"_

_You let this sink in, it feels like a good idea until Rumple asks what happens if it doesn't work._

"_If it doesn't we may push her back into this world she has created where Emma is still alive. You need to consider whether or not you want to take the risk. I understand your hesitance, believe me, I don't want to hurt Regina unnecessarily but I also want to help her. Think about it. Let me know before next week"_

* * *

_You're lying on the grass near your apple tree, there are little blossoms everywhere and they keep falling in your hair. It doesn't matter though because of her hand in yours as the pair of you look up at the clouds. _

_You shift a little so you're lying closer to her, your head basically nestled under her shoulder. You're both being quiet just lying in the calm of the day enjoying each other's company but your thoughts have run wild and now you need her close. You know she can sense this. Somehow she always can. It's one of the reasons you love her. She suddenly brushes back a strand of your hair that has curled over your eye and whispers, "I know you get scared but I'll never leave you. I love you" _

"_Love you too" you reply as she drops a kiss to the crown of your head. You feel fingers running through your hair as you slowly drift off to sleep in her arms._

* * *

_Regina falls asleep in the car. Crying always tires her out. Rumple agreed to drive us both back. You're grateful, unsure if you would have been able to concentrate enough to get you both home safely. You're both silent. He looks in the mirror to check on her before asking "What do we do?"_

_That's the question, what do we do? Leave our daughter as she is, silent and stuck in her fantasy life? I think that sometimes she's happy but other times she feels like a ghost to me, just wandering through the house waiting for Emma. But, at the same time will she want to know the truth? I don't know if she can handle being without Emma, I don't know if Archie's plan will work. What if we make her worse? I feel lost, I don't know if my own child wants help, let alone how to help her. Finally I turn to Rumple,_

"_I don't know"_

* * *

_I don't want to make this decision. You realise this as you drive them home. Perhaps Milah was right, you are a coward. You know you need to step up and do what is right for Regina but you don't know what that is. All you know is that you don't want to lose her again. You realise that you do not have her now, she may be alive but she barely interacts, you miss her. You miss the way she was. You wonder if it is selfish to think like that, your daughter is at least alive and yet you mourn her. You realise this is getting you nowhere; you take a look in the mirror to see if she's still sleeping and ask Cora what to do._

_You see her deliberating too, she's as lost as you are. Eventually she turns to and you can hear the desperation as she says "I don't know"_

* * *

_After a week of conflict and deliberation with Rumple you agree to try Archie's plan. You weren't going to but a visit from Henry changed your mind. He wanted to see his mother but she didn't respond. You realised that in all of this Henry had truly been lost; he had one mother who was dead and the other who couldn't register that he was there. He shouldn't have to lose both his mothers, you thought; you need to get Regina back, for her own good and for Henry's._

_Archie thinks you should try first. You go over to where she sits on the sofa rigid, staring into the distance. "Hi Regina" she looks at you but then turns away. You kneel to face her and take her hands in your own._

"_Honey, we need to talk" Nothing. "I was hoping you could tell me about the picnic you and Emma went on" she looks at you then. An odd expression washes over a face, a mixture of confusion, panic and sadness. Then it's gone and she runs upstairs and you don't see her again until morning._

* * *

_You feel her shaking you, whispering "Gina, honey, come on please wake up". You force yourself out of the nightmare and drag yourself to her voice. You open your eyes and there she is. She wraps her arms around you as your eyes fill with tears. "What happened?" she asks. She draws random patterns on your back to comfort you, "I dreamt you were gone" you whisper. "I told you I wouldn't leave Gina, I'm never going to leave you I promise", you hear her own voice crack with tears, she need you to believe this and you do, "We'll always be together" you say. "Always and forever" she replies smiling at your smile._

_You reach for her hand and frown when you hit empty air._

* * *

_After a few weeks of Archie's plan, the pushes you, he, Rumple and Henry have made have resulted in the same thing, a tortured expression on Regina's face that lasts for a few seconds before it fades away and she disappears back into her memory world. You're beginning to grow exasperated, desperate for any sign of change in her. Today you've taken her to that park and sat her down on that blanket, you see her smile at you and this encourages you. You take her hands, "Regina" you whisper._

"_Mama" you hear the confusion in her voice but this is also the first time you've heard her speak in weeks so you continue._

"_Yes honey, do you know where we are?"_

"_The park" her voice is small, innocent. _

"_Can you tell me what happened last time you were in the park?"_

"_Emma and I came for a picnic, she was late." She falters. You squeeze her hands trying to get her to continue. "She told me she loved me. She proposed" She smiles at me then but stops speaking. _

"_I know baby, you said yes" I prompt._

"_I was so happy, I wanted everyone to know so we ran to the car" She stops entirely, her smile fading._

"_What happened next?" _

"_no" she whispers._

_I kneel next to her and cup her face in my hands as she starts to get louder "No, No, NO, NO, NO!" _

"_Regina, honey, calm down, it's going to be okay"_

_She starts to struggle against me still screaming "NO" before she starts sobbing over and over, a mantra of just one word; "Emma"._

_I don't know what to say. I hold her while cries and shush her, I tell her it will be okay but I don't know if it will. "We were supposed to be together forever" she whispers "she promised she wouldn't leave me". _

"_She didn't want to, honey, she loved you so much, you know that. Listen to me," you tilt her chin up she's facing you, tears streaming down her face, "she'll never leave you, you love her right?"_

"_Yes" her voice cracks on the word._

"_Then you carry her in your heart with you forever. She stays with you in that love. In your heart. In Henry. And, I know it hurts, but you have to carry on"_

"_But I need her" she interrupts but you shush her. "And Henry needs you. I need you. Rumple needs you. We all need you back. We miss you. Please, can you try? For me? For us?" you're practically begging her now._

"_Okay" she whispers, "I'll try"_

* * *

_(1 month later) _

_You wear the ring she gave you on a chain around your neck. You do want you mother said, you carry her in your heart and it hurts so much. You've been seeing Archie, trying to get better, but it hurts. You see Henry but it's difficult to speak she seems to haunt the spaces between your words. Your mother and father try but they don't know what to say or what to do. Emma did. You don't tell them that you still see her, that she is in your dreams and that you don't want to wake up. You don't tell them that you can see her waving at you, smiling at you, just looking at you. You don't tell them that it feels so real. They need you to be better but it hurts. Archie told you to visit her. So you've come. He thinks it will make you feel better but standing here with her favourite lilies staring at the stone just makes you numb. You lay the flowers down and brush your thumb over the lettering of the stone:_

Emma Swan

1983 – 2013

Loved and missed by all

_It doesn't say enough, you think, they didn't ask you, they couldn't so they stuck to the simple fact that they love her and that they miss her. You think to yourself that you could have filled pages with the things that make up Emma and it wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't bring her back. It hurts._

_You can't stare at the stone anymore. It's starting to rain, it's cold but you don't want to go home. Your mother is expecting you but it isn't home, not without Emma. You think of Henry, they say he needs you but his grandparents look after him and he doesn't come very often. You think it must hurt him but he doesn't seem to need you like they say. They'll miss you, you think as you lie down on the grass of the park but you can't live like this. Not when a piece of your heart is missing. Part of you wishes they had left you in your delusions because at least you had Emma. You can't live without her and you know that, she holds your heart, she is your missing piece. You hope they'll understand that you can't stay. Not like this. Not without her. You kiss the ring on your necklace as the rain hammers down. Your eyelids feel heavy and your eyes start to close. You see blonde curls. You see green eyes. You feel her arms around you and you know you're home with her._

**The End**


End file.
